When Your Child Is Scared to Go to School: A Parent’s 4-step Guide
If you’re taking care of a child who is afraid to go to school, you’re definitely not alone. Research suggests that between 5% and 28% of students may experience school avoidance each year, which can be incredibly tough for both the child and the caregiver. This fear can manifest in various ways, from stomach aches to outright refusal to leave the house.
While understanding that your child is one of many dealing with this issue can offer some comfort, it doesn’t lessen the emotional toll it takes on you both. As a caregiver, you’re not just witnessing your child’s struggles; you’re feeling them too and it’s important to recognize that this journey is challenging and often painful.
According to Sheila M. Gauch, a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker and educator, the roots of school avoidance are frequently tied to emotional issues, predominantly anxiety. While it’s not classified as an official mental health diagnosis, the effects can be just as debilitating.
Gauch emphasizes the importance of a team-based approach to help students re-engage with learning and she highlights that you, the caregiver, play a critical role in this team. You are the expert on your child, possessing invaluable insights into their behaviors, preferences and past experiences, so as the primary support system, you’re in the best position to communicate effectively with educational and mental health professionals, making you the case manager of their care.
She says that your active involvement can bridge the gap between your child’s needs and the strategies that can help them feel more secure and supported. And understanding how anxiety works can shed light on why it’s vital to confront it rather than allow it to dictate your child’s life. This process can be incredibly stressful for you as a caregiver, because it often involves navigating emotional terrains that can feel overwhelming. But leading with empathy and compassion is key; shaming or blaming your child for their fears won’t foster the safe environment they need to heal.
Gauch offers four strategies to help guide you and your child through this challenging time. These strategies not only address your child's concerns but also empower you to be an effective advocate for their needs. By working together, you can create a plan that respects your child’s feelings while gently encouraging them to face their fears, making the journey to school a little less daunting over time.
Dive deeper to understand what triggers anxiety.
When the limbic system detects danger, it releases stress hormones that trigger one of three basic reactions: fight, flight, or freeze. This survival response allows us to react quickly to threats and helps us remember what scared us, so we can avoid it in the future. In a school setting, even one stressor - like a difficult interaction, a hard class, or bullying - can lead to long-lasting anxiety. Even after the stressful situation is over, the brain remains on high alert, making kids anxious about returning to school. This ongoing stress can create a loop of fear and avoidance, making it hard for children to engage in their education.
When the amygdala (a small, almond-shaped structure located in the temporal lobes of the brain - it plays a crucial role in processing emotions, particularly fear and anxiety) detects threats, it shuts down non-essential functions and focuses energy on survival. So when a child faces fears related to school, their body may react in ways that interfere with learning, such as causing nausea. Instead of focusing on learning, they are preoccupied with managing anxiety, which keeps them in a state of distress and makes it difficult to separate past fears from present situations. This can lead to a strong dislike of school and feelings of loneliness and fear.
Therapeutic methods like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or exposure response prevention (ERP) can assist children in coping with these intense emotions. These strategies encourage kids to face situations that make them anxious, helping them to see that school is not a threat. By gradually getting used to the school environment, they can change their reactions and understand that their anxiety comes from past experiences. With ongoing support, they can lessen their fear and build resilience, improving their relationship with education. Although this process can be tough, with the right tools and guidance, children can regain their sense of safety and confidence at school.
Understand what causes your own anxiety.
Your child’s anxiety is actually a natural response designed to keep them safe, but it can often lead them to seek certainty and comfort in ways that feel restrictive, like resisting going to school. This can create a situation where it seems like you’re forcing them into something that feels harmful, even though your intention is to help them face their fears. Anxiety can distort their perception of reality, making it essential for you as a parent to remain steadfast, even when they push back.
Managing your own anxiety can make it easier for you to help your child with theirs. This involves pausing before you respond, asking others for support and discovering ways to deal with your worries, like exercising, meditating, or using box breathing techniques.
Steer clear of shaming and blaming.
When our children are struggling, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of believing we’re failing as parents. Thoughts like “I should be able to help them succeed in school” or “Everyone thinks I’m to blame and that I could do more” can spiral into feelings of shame. But it’s important to remember that these emotions are often misplaced and can create a stress response that’s not beneficial for anyone involved.
Embracing dialectical thinking can be a game-changer in these moments; it allows us to hold multiple, sometimes conflicting ideas at once. For example, we can acknowledge that “My child is struggling, and I am doing my best to help them” while also recognizing that “I don’t know how to help, and it’s perfectly okay to ask others for support.” This “both/and” perspective helps to alleviate some of the pressure we place on ourselves, reminding us that parenting is complex and challenging.
It’s also important to give ourselves grace during this difficult period; parenting is hard work, and it’s okay not to have all the answers. Empathy - both for ourselves and for our children - serves as the antidote to shame. By leading with empathy, we can create a supportive environment that fosters open communication and growth, not just for our children but for ourselves as well.
Don’t give up!
If your child is still struggling and the exposure techniques aren’t helping, don’t lose hope. There are always other options to explore.
First, it’s important to clarify the diagnosis using reliable screening tools. Is your child dealing with social anxiety, panic disorder or possibly an overlooked obsessive-compulsive disorder? Understanding the correct diagnosis will help ensure you choose the right treatment.
Also, make sure to check for any medical reasons behind your child’s mental health challenges. Many students who avoid situations often have missed medical issues, like PANS/PANDAS (pediatric acute-onset neuropsychiatric syndrome/pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorder linked to strep).
Continue working together as a team, keep helping your child face their anxiety, and remain persistent. Your child deserves to feel safe in their environment and to be with their friends.
And you deserve to believe that healing is within reach.